The Diwali prayer

My life was beautiful until a week ago when they started the war against humanity.

Being the only child of the family, expectedly, mother’s love knew no bounds. It still doesn’t.

Still remember the day Daddy brought me home. I’m the kid who doesn’t like milk and biscuits. Meat, cold cuts and ice cream is the stuff for me.

Since the past five days, there has been utter chaos all over the area.

Mother’s been looking prettier than she always does. She’s wearing a saree today, diamond-studded earrings, bangles that clink to make a soothing symphony all day. Daddy’s wearing something something festive too. I’m guessing the dangerous thunder’s got something to do with celebration. Daddy says it’s the festival of lights – Diwali. No wonder the streets are wearing dresses of colourful lights and plastic. There’s one hanging outside our home too.

The neighbourhood kid tells me its everywhere, on the streets, the opposite building, even the otherwise silent church compound.

They sound like bombs, puke fire on their way and I’m guessing, get vanquished in the process. I heard Daddy talking about suicide bombers. I think they’re something like that. Whatever it is, I don’t like it. I’ve been hiding under the sofa all day.

Mother’s warmth has been guaranteeing some peace of mind and Daddy says he’ll give the naughty neighbourhood boys a piece of his mind. Daddy says they’re bursting something called “crackers”. It seems they dangerous to our surroundings and he used a word that sounded like pollination. Even my most favourite place, Shivaji Park is full of smoke and noise. It gives me a weird feeling in the throat. Waiting for all it to end.

If you are reading this, please help me spread the message. Take a moment and think of me and my friends. Is the noise really important? Why not celebrate with lights only? From what I see right now, the world looks beautiful when it wears these dresses made of shiny bulbs. I’m sure, minus the crackers, it’ll be only much more beautiful.

I’m sure I’m not the only dog hating it all. Let’s have a Happy Diwali in the truest sense.

PS: I’ve never had a pet and I’m not an animal lover. But right now, I don’t feel any less than the scared dog I saw at Shivaji Park yesterday. I’m not against festivals or celebrations. How about just keeping them traditional, enjoying the true meaning of the festival? Lighting up somebody/pet’s life by having a cracker-free Diwali? Why not start by burning one cracker less? I’m sure that cracker will make a world of a difference to many like me and those pets who suffer while the world celebrates.

My Damadamm letter to Himeshbhai

Film: Damadamm (U/A)

Cast: Himesh Reshammiya, Purbi Joshi, Sonal Sehgal & others
Director: Swapna Waghmare
Rating: Not required

Dear Himesh,

Hearty congratulations on the release of your fifth movie.

You must be one proud ‘actor’ to have pulled off the feat, with the tide always against your so-called talent. Yes, you can dismiss this claim as a lame generalisation made in thin air. But I’m yet to come across a person who has expressed any kind of love for your art. And I will wait.

This is not to undermine your ‘talent’ in any way but to laud your self-confidence.

I write to tell you I watched Damadamm and there were some doubts that immediately crept up. First, why was the film’s name changed from Ishq Unplugged to Damadamm? Secondly, why Damadamm? Thirdly, why you? I could go on. But I guess these are trivial things.

Let’s talk about the story. Your character is in a relationship with Shikha (Purbi Joshi) for five years. Isn’t that too long a time to suffer a “possessive, nagging” girlfriend? You seemed unhappy with the way she controlled your every move. Didn’t breaking up sound like a great idea considering how overdone the insecurity was? You find “freedom” when she’s away on a trip to hometown Indore.

You even croon:

I need my space
I want freedom
I need my space
I want freedom.

Hmm… In fact, being the music director, you made sure every song had some English lines like ‘No touching, no touching, only seeing only seeing’. May be someday, we the audience, will learn to forgive how off-key and forced it sounds. But for you, sir, we’ll put up with that too. So much for the love of the colonialists’ language and HR Musik. Let’s also keep the nasal bent for another day.

Then came the twist in the form of “hot, curvy” Sanjana (Sonal Sehgal) who happened to be your boss’s sister. She even takes an immediate liking to you. Hats off to the girl! So much courage, conviction and expression to show even an inkling of attraction to a man like you! For that matter, even Purbi (who’s met tremendous success with her comedy acts on reality shows) needs to be applauded for being so aptly plausible. Signs of a good actress.

How we all wish relationships were as easy and exes came running into our arms after bitter breakups. Only you can make it all look possible, believable and bearable. I must congratulate you again for sticking to the four expressions we saw in the Damadamm posters (scroll up). Oh yes, how can I forgot to add the eternal pout. It is okay for you to think it made you look ‘sexy’. Someone rightly said: ‘Who has confidence in himself will gain the confidence of others.’ In that case, Himeshbhai you can keep pouting forever.

Do convey my good wishes to your director Swapna Waghmare. Her audacity to work with Himesh the actor is salute-worthy.

Oops! Amid all this sugar-coated ranting I forgot to wish you a Happy Diwali.

A humble request: Do refrain from ‘acting’ in such dumb-a-dumb disasters. There are only so many blasts our weak hearts can take during Diwali.

Yours faithfully

A fan that was never meant to be.

This post first appeared here: http://www.dnaindia.com/entertainment/review_review-damadamm-no-seeing-no-seeing_1603105

Nine months

We don’t see the same moon
For as long as it takes
A little new life to see Mother Earth

Emotions engage in a scuffle
Love, longing, hope
All vying for attention.

Home and distance sickness
Inflicts both our worlds.
Trying to remain unaffected
New life awaits us every nine months

Up to us now
To stick around
To keep the word still
By our resolute will.

Review: Saheb Biwi Aur Gangster is a rassi bomb of a film

Director: Tigmanshu Dhulia
Cast: Jimmy Shergill, Randeep Hooda, Mahie Gill, Deepal Shaw
Rating: ****

The quest for finding lost respect is the wheel this Tigmanshu Dhulia film runs on.

The Saheb is in search of lost paisa. He has rutba (class) in abundance.

The Biwi is in search of izzat lost to the baharwali (courtesan). She has sex appeal in abundance.

The Gangster is in search of ‘class’ he never had. He has attitude in abundance.

It’s a deadly milieu. Set in the badlands of UP, where politics, relationships and anything to do with anyone is only dirty. The sanctity of nothing is preserved, not of the palace, the royal bloodline and even of the marriage of Saheb (Jimmy Shergill) and Choti Rani (Mahie Gill). Irreverence is the order of the day and all those involved unapologetically go about their life, their style.

Biwi loves the Saheb, Saheb loves the mistress. Enter Gangster who now loves the Biwi. Throw in a bit of politics and that’s roughly what SBAG is about.

Director Tigmanshu Dhulia etches out his characters with care. All well-fleshed out, none overshadowing the other, ever. There are some characters in the periphery too, Deepraj Rana as Kanhaiya, Shreya Narayan as mistress Mahua, Vipin Sharma as Genda Singh and Deepal Shaw as (I don’t remember her name). All make the most of the screen time they’re given to pack in good acting and dialogue delivery. Deepal Shaw can act and proves yet again she’s left her item girl past far behind.

What Jimmy does in SBAG make me desperate to see more of him on screen. Directors, please take note. He’s suave and rugged at the same time, a desirable yet undesirable royal.

Mahie’s character gives justification to all those betrayed men and their hatred for womankind. She is naturally bitchy and cunning while Randeep is one bad guy you want to love. They follow the director’s vision to the T, to take you through a ride you enjoy from the beginning to the end. A journey so charged with varied emotions, you can’t help but wonder ‘Dude, how could s/he he do this?’. But you always end adding ‘WOW’ to that sentence.

Tigmanshu’s script is most engaging, peppered with witty dialogue, wry humour, supported by an assortment of actors who take their roles very seriously.

In an interview I read, Tigmanshu said his film was “not a frivolous sex film”. No doubt passions run fast, the need of love and revenge run faster. He is of course allowed to take his liberties on how much sex he wants to show in his film and I can blame my discomfort on my conservative Catholic upbringing. It’s convenient that way.

Saheb Biwi Aur Gangster is recommended viewing, explosive and appealing. Go have a rassi bomb of a time!